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| Have a blurry view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower! Thanks Charlie for a highlight of 2014 <3 |
Frankly, though, I am glad to see the back of 2014. This year has been quite tumultuous emotionally. Some bits have been basically awful. Some bits have been okay. Some bits have been just neutral. It's been a weird year.
My anxiety and emetephobia got really bad this year. I've never had anxiety attacks before and they gripped me this year (particularly over summer). As a consequence I've stopped drinking and stopped going out - they weren't major or essential parts of my life but I like wine and house parties and dance music. Also I can't dance in clubs without some alcohol in me, so sober nights out are a bit rubbish. I think I've decided that my emetephobia was the reason behind my sudden increase in anxiety. I've always had a bit of a weird wariness about sickness and vomiting (above the normal) but I went with my dad to see my grandad in hospital (before he died - we'll get on to that) and suddenly I began to have these anxiety attacks every single day. I had no idea they were anxiety attacks - I just felt like I was going to be sick.
My mind just focused on a particular phobia and everything became a billion times more difficult. People have literally vomited in front of me before and I've been mostly fine, but just hearing about someone being sick now makes me feel anxious.
So there's that. Good news though - I've been booked in for a CBT appointment in the next couple of weeks. I'm really hoping it's going to work, and I've heard good things so far. Fingers crossed!
Also, my grandad died this year. That was pretty awful. I did write a post about it and I don't really know what else to say about it now, so. I miss him very much and I wish he hadn't gone the way he did.
On the other hand, I finally found motivation to work this year. Something clicked in September - this counts. This matters. My essay marks didn't necessarily reflect my new work ethic, which was really annoying, but I finally know how to write a university level essay! I think! Success. Also, I've actually been revising for my exams and I'm managing to fit in a few hours of Dragon Age: Origins, which I am shamelessly playing on Easy mode.
I think I discovered that there are more hours in the day than you at first perceive. I used to write off the whole day because I had plans with a friend for lunch. You have time to see a friend and get some work done. Plus, my Future Self is currently sitting in an exam and I want her brain to be full of things to say when I catch up.
Oh, and I'm thinking about postgraduate study, and I need a first. They say you can get in with a 2:1 but I need a first. I'm thinking about Cambridge (gasp). I have some ideas, but shh. Save them for the dissertation.
Also, Paris. Which was far too hot but majorly beautiful and I got to tick it off my bucket list. And I got to spend time with a really good friend (she knows who she is). I will be back, Paris - when you cool down.
So 2014's been kind of weird and a bit disappointing and rubbish. But I got through that. To satisfy my emetephobic self - I thought I was going to vomit probably at least once every day since mid-March but I didn't. I am strong enough to deal with bereavement and my own personal demons and still have motivation and dreams and goals and a social life.
I don't really have any resolutions but I have goals. I want 2015 to be a year where I make progress with my anxiety, where I let go of things, where I write up my lecture notes every day, where I once again prove to myself that I am strong and durable.
I wish you all a happy 2015.
Lots of love,
Catherine
xx
